it just happened…
one day I felt like shit
the next
normal, even happy I’d say.
me.
normal.
now that’s a fucking laugh!
all right, so I guess the best way
I’d put it
is
well, I kind of just forgot about him.
he’s like a dream.
every day, becoming more distant
and unclear.
it’s strange.
I feel strange having
this feeling of freedom.
I never thought I’d see the day
when I was no longer a
slave to hopeless love.
the same love I’ve wasted all this time
trying to prolong when it was
already gone.
the one destined to implode
into a tiny million pieces.
a carefully concealed time bomb.
I had no idea.
we had no idea.
now
the past, you, EVERYTHING,
the details are all blurred,
the facts skewed.
I feel
renewed,
resurrected even!
my friends,
finally,
I’ve figured it out!
this change I’ve undergone.
the one I’ve now spent lines upon lines on
excess lines
trying to understand
and to explain to you.
after careful contemplation,
I’ve determined that
my recent
shift in realization transpired
once
I finally probed the past
with sober eyes.
the madman survives the looney bin.
I’ve accepted my flaws,
our dependency – both to
each other and to drugs,
so many drugs.
we were reckless,
foolishly invincible.
what an absurd notion that
we truly believed
we were hoodrats.
let’s see.
going forward,
I’ve accepted his love.
yes.
it was real.
it was all real.
strangely, I feel the urge to
pat myself on the back.
what’s wrong with me?
how could I fail to see what’s undeniably
clear to me now,
what has been plainly apparent
this entire time:
he never loved me.
I created this
fantasy
with my own
two hands,
unstable hands, unconsciously
shaking in desperation
seeking relief in the absence of drugs.
only I would have the balls
to smirk
at that moment,
where most would fail to find humor.
don’t you fuckers get it?
it was all me! this entire time!
I drugged myself into oblivion,
forcing myself into believing
every goddamned lie –
a tangle of lies that became
my fantasy
my reality.
they were one in the same.
once I finally escaped
from my self-induced stupor,
and trust me
it’s been a helluva long time,
I grasped reality just as
everything
fell to
p i e c e s.
C'est La Vie 