Random Ramblings

it just happened…

one day I felt like shit

the next

normal, even happy I’d say.




now that’s a fucking laugh!


all right, so I guess the best way

I’d put it


well, I kind of just forgot about him.

he’s like a dream.

every day, becoming more distant

and unclear.


it’s strange.


I feel strange having

this feeling of freedom.

I never thought I’d see the day

when I was no longer a

slave to hopeless love.


the same love I’ve wasted all this time

trying to prolong when it was

already gone.

the one destined to implode

into a tiny million pieces.

a carefully concealed time bomb.

I had no idea.

we had no idea.



the past, you, EVERYTHING,

the details are all blurred,

the facts skewed.


I feel


resurrected even!


my friends,


I’ve figured it out!

this change I’ve undergone.

the one I’ve now spent lines upon lines on

excess lines

trying to understand

and to explain to you.


after careful contemplation,

I’ve determined that

my recent

shift in realization transpired


I finally probed the past

with sober eyes.


the madman survives the looney bin.


I’ve accepted my flaws,

our dependency – both to

each other and to drugs,

so many drugs.

we were reckless,

foolishly invincible.


what an absurd notion that

we truly believed

we were hoodrats.


let’s see.

going forward,

I’ve accepted his love.


it was real.

it was all real.


strangely, I feel the urge to

pat myself on the back.

            what’s wrong with me?

how could I fail to see what’s undeniably

clear to me now,

what has been plainly apparent

this entire time:



he never loved me.

I created this


with my own

two hands,

unstable hands, unconsciously

shaking in desperation

seeking relief in the absence of drugs.


only I would have the balls

to smirk

at that moment,

where most would fail to find humor.


don’t you fuckers get it?

it was all me! this entire time!

I drugged myself into oblivion,

forcing myself into believing

every goddamned lie –

a tangle of lies that became

my fantasy

my reality.


they were one in the same.


once I finally escaped

from my self-induced stupor,

and trust me

it’s been a helluva long time,

I grasped reality just as



            fell to

                        p i e c e s.