Random Ramblings

it just happened…

one day I felt like shit

the next

normal, even happy I’d say.

 

me.

normal.

now that’s a fucking laugh!

 

all right, so I guess the best way

I’d put it

is

well, I kind of just forgot about him.

he’s like a dream.

every day, becoming more distant

and unclear.

 

it’s strange.

 

I feel strange having

this feeling of freedom.

I never thought I’d see the day

when I was no longer a

slave to hopeless love.

 

the same love I’ve wasted all this time

trying to prolong when it was

already gone.

the one destined to implode

into a tiny million pieces.

a carefully concealed time bomb.

I had no idea.

we had no idea.

 

now

the past, you, EVERYTHING,

the details are all blurred,

the facts skewed.

 

I feel

renewed,

resurrected even!

 

my friends,

finally,

I’ve figured it out!

this change I’ve undergone.

the one I’ve now spent lines upon lines on

excess lines

trying to understand

and to explain to you.

 

after careful contemplation,

I’ve determined that

my recent

shift in realization transpired

once

I finally probed the past

with sober eyes.

 

the madman survives the looney bin.

 

I’ve accepted my flaws,

our dependency – both to

each other and to drugs,

so many drugs.

we were reckless,

foolishly invincible.

 

what an absurd notion that

we truly believed

we were hoodrats.

 

let’s see.

going forward,

I’ve accepted his love.

yes.

it was real.

it was all real.

 

strangely, I feel the urge to

pat myself on the back.

            what’s wrong with me?

how could I fail to see what’s undeniably

clear to me now,

what has been plainly apparent

this entire time:

 

 

he never loved me.

I created this

fantasy

with my own

two hands,

unstable hands, unconsciously

shaking in desperation

seeking relief in the absence of drugs.

 

only I would have the balls

to smirk

at that moment,

where most would fail to find humor.

 

don’t you fuckers get it?

it was all me! this entire time!

I drugged myself into oblivion,

forcing myself into believing

every goddamned lie –

a tangle of lies that became

my fantasy

my reality.

 

they were one in the same.

 

once I finally escaped

from my self-induced stupor,

and trust me

it’s been a helluva long time,

I grasped reality just as

 

everything

            fell to

                        p i e c e s.

C’est La Vie (First Short Fiction Excerpt)

Winter

Note to Reader: היא means she and הוא means he

C’est La Vie

a short fiction written by Alexandra Suh

:היא

I have always believed that life is balanced like the yin and yang. That every bad event, individually significant or not, sets in motion an equally good event. And vice versa. Little did I know, today would be the day when my ignorance finally caught up with me. Resulting in the complete obliteration of my haphazardly constructed reality, leaving me helpless in the chaos I had inadvertently created.

Raz, my darling Raz. This was a very rare name here in America. He told me once that his name meant “secret” in Hebrew. At the time I had laughed lightly, effortlessly flirting with a handsome stranger. His facial structures were comparable to the sculptured busts of Greek gods, with chiseled chin and sharp angles. But it was his eyes that attracted me. Those eyes, which at first glance appeared to be a plain brown, were oddly intense. On rare occasions, if I looked at him without him noticing, his gaze would cloud over and expose a carefully concealed expression that I had only seen twice. I would be filled with an unexplainable, overwhelming sadness. And pain. Yet at the same time, those eyes managed to stir desire in me. After all, that was the basis of our relationship. Drugs and sex. We were such ignorant fools. Grasping at love to fill the emptiness inside of us. And it was our mutual acceptance of this delusion, of love, that led to our inevitable demise. But I try not to blame myself for everything. After all, the devil has a reputation for being elusive and I never would have guessed that I was staring right at him.

After a semester filled with racing cars, shoplifting, and an abundance of drugs, Raz and I were inseparable. The happiness that consumed me during that time was phenomenal. Life couldn’t be more perfect. But everything changed once winter arrived and the nights grew cold.

I woke up every morning that winter break scared to death, left with no option but to pretend that everything was normal. That everything was going to be okay. Ever since the end of the semester, Raz had been living with me since his parents kicked him out of the house. He told us it was because he failed all of his classes. But so did all four of us.

Yet in the moment, it seemed as though fate had brought us all together. A miracle of sorts. Each one of us acutely aware of some strange bond forever sealing our friendship. But the reality was that we were four lost souls using each other as an excuse to justify our reckless behavior. The time passed so quickly then that days blurred into nights. It was an anomaly if we weren’t high on something or another every single day. That was a time of experimentation for me, with both adrenaline rushes and hard drugs. Our bodies willingly succumbed to our growing addictions, which were easily compensated for by flipping drugs.

Hoodrats. We were goddamned hoodrats.

“My parents hate me,” I remember Raz telling me. I didn’t believe him until he half-heartedly divulged his mother’s crazy e-mails to me. Normally, Raz exuded an air of confidence, but that day he broke apart. He confessed that he was still on probation from a previous drug charge. How his wealthy and influential parents constantly moved, never staying in one place for too long. How they controlled his siblings hoping to mold them into their image of perfection. How it was easy for him to make friends, but despite his popularity, no one knew the real him. He admitted to being a whore who fucked to forget. The man whose carefree attitude and chronic optimism I had been so envious of, faded into that of a small child who just wanted his parent’s love and approval.

I skimmed over the e-mails. Certain phrases jumped out at me. You’re dealing again? No more chances. Go to jail or hide in Israel. Your friends don’t care about you. Can’t be trusted. All lies.

 

Raz looked at me with a sad, defeated look. “They won’t stop. All they care about is their reputation. And right now, they see me as a threat. The longer I associate myself with you guys, the higher the chance that my ass ends up in jail and I tarnish the stupid family name. I can’t let anyone else get involved.”

:הוא

It was hot. Israeli summers were always unbearably humid. In my new pitiful home, remarkably smaller than a freshman dorm, the heat was so condensed that the fan served no purpose other than to trick the mind into believing the room would cool down. This tiny dump was supposed to be an upgrade after living in the local hostel. I had to find a place fast; those bitches only left me 40 bucks. And they’re supposed to be my fucking parents! Not that they deserve that title. By the time I even found this pathetic hellhole, I had to sell my iPhone to literally meet life’s most basic needs: shelter, food, and cigarettes. At best, during these horribly long days, I was able to budget a loaf of challah to last me for the day – sometimes, for even longer.

I stared at the computer screen in front of me. Just end it, don’t think about it! I’ll only hurt her more if I prolong this. Come on… what’s taking me so long? Why can’t I forget her like the others? My mind was racing. The same ominous thoughts had been relentlessly taunting me. Sweating and frustrated, I got out of bed and turned on the lights. I stood there for a few minutes quickly trying to adjust to the harsh glare that flooded my vision. I read the typed messages in front of me one more time:

“Hey! It must be so good to see all your friends in Israel.”

“How are you? Haven’t heard from you. I miss you, my dear.”

“Are you going to answer my skype calls?”

“Answer me! You can’t be busy all the time for this long!”

“…Dump me already. Just stop ignoring me! Please!”

And on and on the messages continued following the same passive-aggressive pattern. My mouth was dry. I felt desperate and gripped the water bottle next to me. Relief flood through me as I immediately drained the contents of the bottle. My anxiety had passed and I regained some semblance of self-control.

It took persistent willpower to stop myself from responding to her, but that still didn’t manage to stop the ruthless onslaught of memories of us together. Everything was a trigger. Everything was a reminder. So, I did what I did best. Pretend she never existed and ramble on. Instinctively, my emotions had shut down and I had resorted to any form of instant gratification. I became addicted to tattoos. The pain and beauty of needle penetrating skin engrossed me. My diet consisted of black coffee and stale cigarettes. And sleep was a foreign concept, consisting of me laying in bed staring at the ceiling.

Life was simple; I worked to live and drank to work.

As time passed, insanity slowly monopolized my reality.

Leaving me stranded

in a fucking

war

zone.

Rose

looks are indeed deceiving.

for i am a rose,

a beautiful girl with a fragile heart

that has been broken far

too many times.

 

my thorns protect me

against those who wish to abuse me.

they shield my heart

and all the love i have to offer

so that none of it is wasted

on those who are undeserving.

 

i use them to single out 

the one

who can handle me with care and love.

i seek the one who

can see me inside and out,

ugly and beautiful.

 

but that day has yet to arrive.

and so i wait,

in the burning sun,

the thundering rain,

and the frigid winters,

as each blood-red petal of mine

begins to wilt and fall

into the ground.

 

i am alone.

i am broken.

i am waiting for you.

First Love

you are my first

and only love.

 

it kills

how our happy memories

are just painful twists

from the knife you hold

to my heart.

 

you haunt me still.

when the sun wavers and

falls from view

and i am alone

with my thoughts and

my lonesome and troubled self,

hating each moment

when i wish you were still mine.

 

your washed-out memory

following my every move and

reminding me of

the blissful past and

all that we had

together.

 

i would be lying

if i said

i do not love you anymore.

Vulnerable

i have gained the

unfortunate illness

of being scarred

by a past lover.

i am scared to love again.

i am frightened

to be vulnerable.

 

yet as time passes,

i feel the shell slowly

falling away just as the

naked body of a newly shed snake.

i find myself

following that predictable routine

of once again

falling for someone.

 

let’s just hope that

this end result

will not leave me in a

rusted and bent

body of armor.

Royal Flush

what hurts us the most

has the ability to bring

us the greatest joy.

 

to reap in the rewards

of utterly, hopeless

love

a great risk must be taken.

 

you must hope that

the deck of cards

held in your hand,

the “one,”

is worth it

to go ALL IN with

no hesitations.

 

hoping that fate

falls into place

and gives you the best hand

at the table.

 

you will either gain everything

or lose it all.

so let us pray that as

all eyes stare at that defining moment

that you have placed trust

in the right one.

Dance

dance with me.

spin me around

twirling like a ballerina.

 

dance with me.

throw me up into the air.

arms and legs spread eagle

showing the world my beauty.

 

dance with me.

bend me back so

your body caresses mine,

and i feel the thud of

your heart beating against mine.

 

dance with me.

and only me.

Eyes of the World

perspective is everything.

the key to sanity.

 

take for example the future.

it is fucking scary

not being able to

predict our lives.

what do i want to be?

where is my life headed?

 

i don’t know,

so i will fail.

 

yet what is life

without taking that initial jump,

headfirst.

water so cold

your nipples harden.

 

the Loch Ness monster

is a figment of our imagination.

we fear the unknown,

but the water is as clear as the Aegean.

you will come out of the water

gasping for air,

filling up your lungs

with life,

and gaze in awe.

 

open your mind

and you will see all and be all.

just trust.

trust and the world is yours.

Navit

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being the same
as everyone gets boring.
when someone acts and looks
different,
we notice.
but for her,
this was positive.

she is a light among the darkness.
looks are great, but her
mischievous attitude
and free spirit rated her
into the heavens.
but her beauty grows
from her herculean strength,
lying within.

she is the yin and yang.
gentle, but rough.
open, but closed.
humorous, but serious.

that split second i first
met her eyes,
i knew

this was the person i want to become.