Random Ramblings

it just happened…

one day I felt like shit

the next

normal, even happy I’d say.

 

me.

normal.

now that’s a fucking laugh!

 

all right, so I guess the best way

I’d put it

is

well, I kind of just forgot about him.

he’s like a dream.

every day, becoming more distant

and unclear.

 

it’s strange.

 

I feel strange having

this feeling of freedom.

I never thought I’d see the day

when I was no longer a

slave to hopeless love.

 

the same love I’ve wasted all this time

trying to prolong when it was

already gone.

the one destined to implode

into a tiny million pieces.

a carefully concealed time bomb.

I had no idea.

we had no idea.

 

now

the past, you, EVERYTHING,

the details are all blurred,

the facts skewed.

 

I feel

renewed,

resurrected even!

 

my friends,

finally,

I’ve figured it out!

this change I’ve undergone.

the one I’ve now spent lines upon lines on

excess lines

trying to understand

and to explain to you.

 

after careful contemplation,

I’ve determined that

my recent

shift in realization transpired

once

I finally probed the past

with sober eyes.

 

the madman survives the looney bin.

 

I’ve accepted my flaws,

our dependency – both to

each other and to drugs,

so many drugs.

we were reckless,

foolishly invincible.

 

what an absurd notion that

we truly believed

we were hoodrats.

 

let’s see.

going forward,

I’ve accepted his love.

yes.

it was real.

it was all real.

 

strangely, I feel the urge to

pat myself on the back.

            what’s wrong with me?

how could I fail to see what’s undeniably

clear to me now,

what has been plainly apparent

this entire time:

 

 

he never loved me.

I created this

fantasy

with my own

two hands,

unstable hands, unconsciously

shaking in desperation

seeking relief in the absence of drugs.

 

only I would have the balls

to smirk

at that moment,

where most would fail to find humor.

 

don’t you fuckers get it?

it was all me! this entire time!

I drugged myself into oblivion,

forcing myself into believing

every goddamned lie –

a tangle of lies that became

my fantasy

my reality.

 

they were one in the same.

 

once I finally escaped

from my self-induced stupor,

and trust me

it’s been a helluva long time,

I grasped reality just as

 

everything

            fell to

                        p i e c e s.

#skinnyproblems

i look down at the scale

reading the black 106

feeling like i had just taken

a blow to my face

POW.

 

the commercials always show

the struggle of being overweight,

the rising issue of obesity,

the bad and the ugly.

but on the flip end of the spectrum,

here i am.

 
skinny and underweight.

 
i struggle too.

in public,

always scoping out the bodies of exquisite people

and quietly comparing them to myself.

the hint of cleavage

spilling out

from her low-cut shirt

and the way her hips swing

to and fro

full and round in blue denim.

each person showing off and

tormenting me with their “normality.”

 

“why can’t i look like those girls?”

 

maybe then i would not have to shop

for push-up bras

faking my size with a large bra

and a tight shirt

giving off the impression of a decent rack.

 

since an early age

i have never been comfortable

in my own skin.

my mother exacerbated this by

telling me how

i was too skinny,

how i need to gain weight,

skin and bones

and yelling.

 

but over time,

i grew to transform each

imperfection into a beloved gift.

 

my turning point occurred one night

in Greece.

it was my last day there

and i had been packing all day.

i had not showered in a few days,

wore long baggy pants

and a tanktop with a non-padded bra.

i felt like a boy but

i had to say goodbye to my friends

and i decided to

go out alone that night

in the same outfit

with no make-up on.

essentially doing the equivalent

of what felt like social suicide.

 

i remember the initial awkwardness.

i was sitting alone

and felt unattractive.

but i refused to let those feelings

take control

and ignored every self-destructive thought

that screamed in my mind

which turned on like auto-pilot.

after a couple of drinks,

i relaxed and began socializing

and pretty soon

became the hit of the bar.

both men and women surrounded

me

drawn to my newfound charm.

 

i came to realize that good looks

only get you so far.

it is me that attracts people,

not merely how i physically appear.

i discovered new parts of myself:

how i am funny,

how i make people smile,

my adoring laugh

and cuteness.

 

how amazing i am.

me.

the girl with the flat chest

and chicken legs.

 

i look down at the scale

reading the black 106

no longer ashamed

feeling like

i am right where i need to be.

Paros

i have never been happy with

my own company.

i like to be surrounded by

many so there is

no emptiness dwelling

inside of me.

 

today, i wanted to

start to mend my

affliction.

 

atop my quad, i drove

fast

with the wind

blowing hard against me.

a resistance.

the freedom of slicing down

the narrow streets

lifted my mind,

my soul.

 

all i had was myself

and the world before me.

the sound of birds

chirping, the crunch of

my wheels against the rocks,

the tender fold of the sensual

clear sea moving effortlessly.

 

my heart was free.

 

a beach 

Santa Maria

sparsely decorated with

visitors

old and new.

the half naked people

unaware of the beauty

surrounding them.

 

far ahead the

outlines of other islands,

colors muted, a solid background.

closer still,

the ever changing clear and

dark blues

shifting under the sun.

the forever glorious Aegean.

 

relaxing away from humanity

i held my mojito, the

glass slick with sweat

dripping.

 

closing my eyes and

sensing my moment,

the moment.

am i excited, afraid…

what am i?

 

and so i sat,

and i waited for

it to come to me.

 

even now i cannot be

certain if

it did.

 

yet, i knew what

i wanted.

 

to paint.

experience what i see,

how i feel,

my inspiration from

mother nature.

 

it was a mess,

amateur, not a first

glance masterpiece.

but it was my own,

it was me

and for that i cherish

my mistakes,

my uncertainty,

the awkwardness.

 

i am mine.

i am good.

Image

I’ve Been Loving You Too Long

“But what’s puzzling you is the nature of my game” 

Image

i can’t get no

satisfaction.

every guy would

try and try

but i never managed to feel that

explosive release.

*

i met someone who wanted to

spend the night together.

i found his attempts to be mundane

until i finally gave him a chance to

start me up. oh baby,

a single touch had me

wanting.

*

we played with fire,

fed the flames until it became

uncontrollable. i could barely see

through the smoke; i could barely

breathe.

my mind was in a haze.

my heart was beating too fast.

but,

you can’t always get

what you want and suddenly

everything became ash 

and you were

gone.

*

i became a rolling stone,

aimlessly passing the days. any

feeling of despondency 

buried so deep even i could not find it.

*

i thought i was your rainbow.

i thought i was your all.

but i became the girl who

belongs to yesterday, a

distant memory blurring more as

each day passes.

*

so i figured,

i might as well get juiced.

and with each hit,

and each blow,

every part of me was

painted black, my whole world

black. 

*

hell, i wish i had your

heart of stone

to help me through the

lonely nights.but i learned to have

sympathy for the devil,

he’s always there. he keeps me under

his burning red thumb

as a reminder that we

had it all, but it’s

all over now.

*

For those of you who get my song references, you’ve got great taste in music. My favorite band.